self awareness retreats

Why I Like Falling Apart

Why I Like Falling Apart

Rosemary Rocket, Iva, says that the raw, gritty parts of us are worth honoring. She shares with us why the “worst” bits are an integral part of our personal growth. 

I want to write about being crushed. I want to write about the moments in my life where I’m the “worst version of myself”. I want to write about being scared, frightened, frustrated, angry, inpatient and falling apart.

I especially want to write about how today I was feeling gratitude for all those things. Falling apart is the beautiful moment of seeing who you really are. Because, when you fall apart, what is left is who you really are in that moment of breaking. It’s like being naked in the dessert. No shields, no weapons, just you and your human skin. That’s what actually counts.

Being undressed by the storm

Like a tree with dry leaves blowing away in the wind. You may not like your current leafless condition, but it’s much closer to who you really are, than carrying those dry leaves along which will inevitably fall at some point.

The potential to grow new leaves and fruit is there but for now, you are the bare silhouette left behind when your leaves are carried away by the wind. It will take time and some different states of being for new leaves to grow.

In those moments of being bare, there is nothing wrong with us. Even in full bloom, we are still the silhouette of the tree. The fruit and flowers that exist when we’re blooming will eventually fall away, leaving us bare and ready for new growth.

So although, we like to admire the blooming stage and we write songs about it, make festivals to celebrate it, falling apart is showing your true essence. The tree that has brought those leaves and flowers to begin with.

Leaves and flowers didn’t create the tree. They are born from the sold indestructible foundation of the tree. The tree had to deal with all the frustration of growing, finding a way to reach up to the light and spreading its roots beneath the earth in search of nutrients.

So, what is the worst in you? Being moody, depressed, angry, fighting, isolated, tired, dramatizing, addictions?

Your “worst” is where growth happens

What if I tell you that those “worst” bits are actually your best? That they are your core, your true essence in the most raw form, the ends of your branches reaching for the light, and the ends of your roots digging deep into ground reaching for new resources to feed the tree.

So, although today I was kicking the chair, screaming and being frustrated, soon I realized that I love it, I love it more than leaves and flowers. Because that’s me, spreading my roots and reaching towards the light.

I know that kicking a chair isn’t the most peaceful way to express my frustration but my tree doesn’t care for rules. It knows only it must reach for the light and spread its roots. It’s that simple. I’m here. Where light is that’s where my branches will spread, where water is that’s where my roots will grow and when wind blows that’s when you will see me naked.

I was afraid of losing those dry leaves, because I liked the admiration of me blooming and being green and full of fruit, and when fruit was picked or the leaves got dry, I lived in shame. Of course there comes a point when the leaves are ready to fall, but I was afraid that my raw naked self was not enough.

I realize that in the bareness of winter I wanted spring only so I could hide my tree. I thought the bare branches were not enough, that they need to be hidden by flowers and leaves and fruit. I stopped hiding behind a big smile and fluffy personality. For the first time I was actually taking cold, but full big breaths out in the depths of winter. And soon, I was fine, with being cold, with being naked and bare.

Honoring distorted and twisted authenticity

Whatever tree you are, no matter how distorted your roots and how twisted your branches are, you add value to the world. Your leaves will give oxygen, your flowers will be fertilized by bees, and your fruit will be picked, eaten or will fall and give food to new seed. Nothing is wasted.

So if you are falling apart, honor it.

Like jumping into cold water, no matter how many times you do it, it’s always like the first time, freezing and shocking. You are forced to feel every chill across your body reminding you that you are alive!

What can you do today to honor your “worst” bits?

Written by Iva Santini

Photography by Jan Romero & Ilya Orehov

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